The 7 Steps of Relationship Repair

Cancel culture and swipe-right apps encourage us to believe relationships are disposable and that it's easier to make new friends than work it out with the ones we disagree with.

Even when we try to navigate conflict, it’s easy to misstep and end up more distant than when we started. Somewhere along the way, our culture lost the skill of relationship repair — and it’s time to relearn.

For most of us, speaking up for our needs with kindness isn’t easy. Instead, we fall into poor communication patterns, prioritizing self-protection over connection.

Figuring out how to speak up for our needs with warmth and generosity isn't something we likely learned growing up. We need to teach ourselves.

Knowing how to do relationship repair neutralizes perfectionism. We aim for our best behavior — and when we miss the mark, our ability to quickly and easily repair the rupture creates emotional safety.

Knowing how to repair relationships increases our confidence. We learn that we can maintain our sense of connection and belonging, even when our behavior is sometimes less than ideal.

When we prioritize repair, we optimize for relationship quality and longevity — according to research, some of the key ingredients of a happy life.

Learning relationship repair also builds resilience. We can course correct when interactions start to feel bad. Through repair, we use our tools and skills to quickly move back into connection and harmony, instead of staying stuck in anger and resentment.

Why Trauma Makes Relationship Repair More Challenging

Those of us with complex trauma (CPTSD) from childhood often missed learning important developmental skills like healthy conflict resolution. We likely didn't see these skills practiced by our caregivers. We weren't taught — through guidance or example — how to do them. This makes repair extra difficult, because we have decades of history embedded in our nervous systems that says conflict is painful, difficult, and unresolvable. When conflict can’t be repaired, it becomes dangerous to disagree.  

In families that don't practice relationship repair, conflict becomes a source of harm because it never heals.

In these unhealthy family environments, those of us with complex trauma learned about conflict from experience.

Maybe parents or caregivers withdrew when they were angry and put up walls, unwilling to offer the connection and reassurance we desperately needed.

Maybe our parents or caregivers flooded the home with upset and strong words, leading us to withdraw or shutdown to protect ourselves.

Maybe our families pressured us to "forgive and forget" without offering a mechanism for real repair.

Those of us with complex trauma often learned to read the first signs of relationship disharmony or someone else's displeasure. We might try to avoid conflict at all costs, masking or minimizing our needs. Or we lunge headfirst, trying our best to navigate conflict but communicating our needs with such urgency and force that the other is overwhelmed.

It's normal, for those of us with complex trauma from childhood, to feel like conflict can't be resolved and it's safer to just walk away. But stepping away from what feels dangerous reinforces our inner belief that we don't know how to "do" relationships. Underneath that belief is often a deep-seated sense of unworthiness that defines complex trauma.

We heal not by walking away from what we care about, but from learning how to fight for what we want — and fight for the relationship — in a way that’s friendly and fair.

It's not like we decide to be anxious and conflict-avoidant. It's just that the physical sensations that arise when we're in disharmony with those closest to us feel unbearable — and we'll do anything to make things right as soon as we can. Without skills, relationship repair feels arduous and risky.

I’m here to convince you to give relationship repair a try and show you the basics of how to do it.

The 7 Steps of Relational Repair

The steps I'm about to share with you will probably sound familiar. They’re from Terry Real’s work, whose Relational Life Therapy I'm trained to offer couples and families in my trauma resolution work.

If you've done lots of personal development, you might be tempted to skim them and think, “I do that already,” but hear me out.

Don’t think of these steps as optional guidelines.

Think of these steps as precise variables in an equation that, when followed exactly by you and your partner, bring you back to harmony quickly and reliably.  

But they must be followed. No skipping steps. No adding your own.

Step 1: You must be centered and calm to lead this process.

If you feel you need repair, it’s your role to initiate it when you’re resourced.

Not white knuckling it because you're desperate to reach resolution. Not secretly resentful and about to explode at the slightest provocation. Wait until you’re centered in your right mind and not feeling activated. In other words, do not attempt this in the heat of an argument. Wait until things have simmered down.

Step 2: Signpost that you need repair.

It’s your role, as leader in this process, to let your partner know that you need repair and ask when they’re available. Say that to them, because you cannot expect them to know there is an issue until you tell them that there is one. Simply say, “I need to repair something with you. Is this a good time?" If they say yes, great. If they say no, negotiate a good time and start again then.

The following steps must be brief, limited to one or two sentences and no more. Sharing in this way requires tremendous self-restraint — the centered, calm presence I mentioned in Step 1. It helps to write these out ahead of time and bring notes.

The shorter you keep what you have to say, the easier it is for your partner to listen without reacting. Listening to criticism about ourselves from someone we love is extremely challenging. Make it easy on them so they can show up for the process of repair.

Step 3: "What I experienced when..."

Now is your chance to share what happened that created the rupture, framing it as *your* experience. Stay as close to the observable data as you possibly can, with the understanding that your partner’s experience will be different from your own. You don't need to agree on the details to achieve repair. 

Step 4: "The meaning I made about that is..."

This is where you take radical responsibility for the meaning making happening in your own mind. You don’t have to make sense. Saying "The meaning I made about that is you don't care about me," is totally acceptable here, because you're owning that this is your own unique fabrication (also known as a "projection"). This doesn’t mean it’s true.

Step 5: "About that, I feel..."

Now, share your emotions. Saying, "I feel like you're mean," is not a feeling. Saying, "I feel angry and hurt," are feelings. Our feeling vocabulary is often limited, so if it’s hard, start with the seven primary feelings of joy, pain, anger, fear, shame, guilt, or love — and go from there.

Step 6: "Would you be willing to..."

Here's where you share your request, to your partner, to complete the repair. Do your best to keep this simple, actionable, and reasonable. Make a clear, clean request devoid of resentment or control. Here's the thing. They might say "Yes,” and they might say "No" — and it doesn't matter. What matters is that you made a request and your part of this process now complete.

Step 7: Listener Responds

As the listener, there might be a lot you want to say in response. Remember, repair is a one-way street and right now, it’s the other person’s turn to say what’s hurting them.

To reply, do your best to mirror back what they said about their experience, the meaning they made, and their feelings.

When you get to their request, reply with what you're willing to do. Lead with what you're a "yes" to and leave it at that.

That's it. You're done.

Keep it short. Keep it simple. And take the win.

Celebrate knowing that each time you go through this process, you're teaching yourselves how to reconnect after conflict and strengthening your relationship.

Following these steps creates a positive feedback loop where conflict leads reliably to closeness. With a little practice, the formula becomes second nature, and conflicts dissolve before they even begin.

Misunderstandings no longer spiral into fights, and you can both rest easier together, knowing you have the tools to navigate the turbulence.

You’re welcome ;).

 *

Elie Losleben supports individuals and couples internationally through trauma resolution and embodied healing. She brings extensive training in somatic approaches and a deep understanding of how the nervous system shapes our capacity for connection. To learn more about working together, you're welcome to reach out.