As adults, we need to learn how to receive soothing and pattern it into our bodies. We need others who able to self-soothe well enough that they aren’t knocked off center by our overly activated nervous systems.

Feeling shutdown is a completely normal sign of being "stuck off" from unresolved trauma. Around intimacy, it shows up as physical numbness, low or no arousal, emotional distance, and a lack of interest.

Understanding the importance of attachment needs has massive implications for people with developmental trauma, a type of complex trauma (CTPSD) that I work with a lot in my private practice.

When our sense of belonging is threatened, it's easier to give up our values and needs than risk abandonment. It's easier to sacrifice personal values and needs to remain connected, rather than face the terror of being cast out, alone.

Shifting the responsibility for our boundaries onto other people keeps us from effectively using boundaries for our wellbeing. It’s no wonder that we end up in power struggles, trying valiantly to stand up for ourselves, only to feel frustrated, manipulated, or resentful of others.

Our attachment styles emerge from how our nervous systems patterned in response to our earliest caregiver dynamics. Far from being fixed traits, our attachment styles continue to shift and evolve.

When we were made wrong and punished for actions, where we didn't have the psychological development or self-control to choose differently, we assumed a sense of wrongness as part of our identity. That shame distorts our development in several ways.

Attachment styles are dynamic and can shift over time. They offer a potent place to focus when we're looking to heal trauma within the container of a loving, committed relationship.

Even if we have had difficulty forming and sustaining rewarding relationships in the past, we can train ourselves to relate in healthier ways. When we do, we enjoy all the benefits of supportive, secure connections — advantages like improved mental wellbeing and physical health, increased resilience, and a stronger support system.

Performativity is when you align with sexual stereotypes or how you think you’re “supposed to” act, rather than exploring and expressing your own way. It happens when we subconsciously copy what appears desirable in our culture and try it on for ourselves.

Those of us with unresolved trauma tend to orient outwards to get safety, rather than learning how to generate inner safety. It might feel safer to betray our boundaries and needs, in favor of what others want, but doing so does not create real safety.

Trauma tends to take away our sense of agency and choice. It's overwhelming and exhausting, putting us on an endless cycle of over-activation and collapse that makes us feel we’ve lost our power. I want us to step out of the powerlessness of the trauma response and onto the path of healing.

One of the hardest things about the holidays is how they bring up memories from the past. For those of us with developmental trauma from things that happened — or didn't happen — in our childhoods, this can be particularly challenging.

It’s easy to shut down and want to hide from the feelings of vulnerability, helplessness, and loneliness that can surface around the holidays. For those of us with developmental trauma, these feelings are flashbacks — signs of unresolved trauma, constellations of emotional states from the past still held in our nervous system.

If you find yourself having a stress response — going into Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn — that makes it hard to stay present during intimacy, it’s an indicator of unresolved trauma in your nervous system.