How to Do Relationship Repair

Remember being forced to "I’m sorry" as a child, whenever adults attempted superficial repair? One of us would parrot "I'm sorry," in a singsong tone, the other reflecting a blank stare. Nothing was resolved, only papered over in the flimsiest of ways to appease whichever authority figure was watching.

Far from teaching us real reconciliation, these surface-level I'm-sorry's created temporary truces that did nothing to heal the wounding of our upsets or set things right. Most of us were raised around these truncated, half-formed apologies, forced and lackluster at best. And they taught us faulty mechanisms of relational repair that don’t fix anything.

As adults, we use these inadequate tools in our most important relationships, with our intimate partners, and then act surprised when our connections suffer. We stand sheepishly in the doorway after a single-sentence apology copy-pasted from childhood, naively expecting the magic words to make all things better so we never have to talk about them again.

Apologies without actual reconciliation leave untreated wounds to fester, until the gangrene eats away at the care we feel towards our beloved partners. Blanket apologies mean nothing, if they’re not backed up with trusted mechanisms of repair. Deeply fulfilling intimate relationships that stand the test of time require nothing less.

Relationship Repair is a One-Way Street

Too many times, superficial apologies rush the wounded person towards a premature forgiveness that’s more about smoothing upset than confronting what happened. If we’re the wounding one, we probably feel the discomfort of remorse and want it to resolve as soon as possible.

Instead of going back into the muck, we say “sorry,” ask the wounded one to "forgive and forget," and subtly pressure them to “move on.” This immature relational strategy shifts the focus to the wounded person, who’s expected to receive our apology and consider the matter resolved.

The truth is, it doesn't matter how the wounded person receives our apology. 

Relationship repair is a one-way street.

Too often, we confuse forgiveness, a private and interior process about how we feel towards someone, with relationship repair, which focuses on the person-to-person connection. We can't force forgiveness on someone we’ve wounded. That’s up to them, in their own time.

We can lead repair, though. In fact, it’s our responsibility to do so.

We embark on relationship repair not to make someone we’ve wounded forgive us, we embark to return to relational integrity with ourselves. We might not be proud of our prior behavior, but we can be proud of how we turned it around and showed up with contrition and accountability to make real amends.

The 3 Parts of Relationship Repair

It's not enough to say, "I'm sorry," when our behavior misses the mark.  Especially in intimate relationships, assuming a surface-level apology will smooth things over only works for so long before resentments build and grievances require adequate repair.

Most of us didn't see healthy models of relationship repair in childhood. As adults, it’s something we need to teach ourselves.  

Repair is a maintenance technology. When done well, it rapidly and effectively moves issues to resolution. Arguments shift from being stressful and divisive to things that bring us closer.

There are three fundamental parts to relationship repair: contrition, accountability, and amends. Effective repair requires all three.

Let's explore each one and experiment with what relational repair looks and sounds like in practice.

1. Contrition

We must feel apologetic to initiate repair.

Sarcasm, frustration, or "I said I'm sorry, can you stop being upset now?" don't count and further the harm. Dismissing the pain we created, or passing it off as a joke, minimizes the impact our behavior had. Doing this attempts to control someone else’s feelings, implying they shouldn’t be hurt, deflecting responsibility from where it belongs, on us and our wounding behavior.

Contrition simply means regretting our behavior and apologizing for it. " I love you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you," is a great start.

Contrition is best communicated from a calm and settled state, without resentment or frustration. The emotional tone of how we extend an apology is as important as the words we use.

We don’t stop here. Apology is a first step, not the last.

2. Accountability

Next, we take responsibility for the harm we did and name the impact it had. Taking such a clear-eyed view of our poor behavior can make us feel uncomfortable, so we often want to skip the specifics of accountability.

Especially if we were punished for being less than perfect in childhood, accountability can feel like standing on shaky ground. It takes getting used to, and doing it well is the heart of relationship repair.

Becoming accountable means we get clear on where we missed the mark. Rather than collapsing behind a wall of silent shame or flooding our partner with performative regret, we learn to calmly name our behaviors.

The more specific we are, the better. "When I responded in a sharp tone, that was disrespectful," we might say. Specificity helps us target exactly what we need to change.

Bonus points if we're willing to identify not just the specific behavior, but how it's part of a larger pattern of hurtful conduct on our part. This is a generous move, especially in long-term relationships, because we take accountability not just for the specific pain but for all the times we've hurt our partners the same way.

This can sound like, "I know my sharp tone wasn’t just then. I do that a lot when I'm impatient.”

Being willing to expand our accountability from specific behavior to general trend helps our partner trust that we are accountable for our impact and the process of repair.

3. Amends

Lastly, we commit to shifting our behavior. Remember, repair is a one-way street. Amends focus on us and what we're going to do differently. They require nothing from our partners except a willingness to listen.

Amends are best when they're specific and measurable. They're something you and your partner will be able to experience as noticeable and different, and they protect the other from getting hurt in the same way again.

For example, "I’m committed to changing how I speak to you when I feel impatient. I don’t want to cause you stress or pain because of my tone."

We're accountable for the amends we make, so future-facing declarations must be accompanied by focused effort to change. Empty promises will draw down our relationships' reserves of goodwill faster than we realize.

We don't have to get it right all the time, but we do need to try.

On Receiving Relationship Repair

This three-step repair process has the potential to transform relationships, especially when repeating behavior has gone unchecked for too long 

The challenge is for partners to receive the repair without sending a barb across the truce line. No backchat, no sarcasm, no frustrated impatience with the process. While we receive repair, we hold our partners in good faith, giving them the benefit of the doubt and trusting they will be true to their word.

This can be hard when we're wounded, because our first instinct is to withdraw and retaliate in self-protection. We need to soften our armor to receive the repair being offered.

And because repair is a one-way street, this is not the occasion to raise any other issues. Those must wait for another time. 

If we're feeling extra generous, we might even ask our partners making the amends, "How can I help you to do that?"

For example, "I love that you're going to work on your sharp tone when you feel impatient. That means a lot. It would make a big difference in how close to you I feel. How can I help you to do that?"

This question puts us back in relationship as partners working together on a common goal.

Give it a try and see how this process of relational repair — contrition, accountability, and amends — works for you.

Once you've made amends, having a reliable process for raising future issues makes all the difference. Read The 7 Steps of Relationship Repair.

And if you'd like support shifting long-standing patterns in your relationship that feel hard to leave behind, reach out and let's explore a bit of work together.